... and we FEEL IT!
The house is quieter, Lizzie is more calm and Chewie whimpered for awhile before settling down to sleep on the rug. A little piece of excitement just packed up and left... on a jet plane...
I couldn't believe Stephen got home from the airport in like 35 minutes flat. Quick and dirty. My lip quivered and I almost cried. I missed her already. When we were transporting a sleeping E from boob to bed, I handed her to Stephen and went to get her paci and her blanket. He just stared at me and said two things with a hint of choking up:
1. I miss my Mom
2. I love Lizzie so much.
It was almost more than I could take. I felt the goodbyes earlier were rushed. I wanted to go to the airport too, to say my own farewell, make my peace and find visitation closure. Gramma didn't want us to go, I understand. Woulda been harder on everyone, the crying, the emotional overload. But instead of winding down and accepting the time was over, as soon as the front door shut, I nursed E and tried to put her down like business as usual. Washed a few dishes. Started the dryer. Let Chewie out. Sanded a few cabinet faces. Organized the sewing desk. I put a lid on the sadness and set it on the back burner, simmering all evening. I wanted to order out for dinner. I had no intention of exerting the effort to cook. Stephen was the wise one, suggesting leftover white chili. Good man. I love him for that.
I quietly got E ready for bed: bath, clothes, boob, rock. It was anticlimactic. Almost solemn. When she was out for the count, we moved her. Stephen said 1. and 2. from above. The sadness pot boiled over. To hear him say he loves E and almost cry made me realize that she is such a new and beautiful creature at three months. She woke up from her newborn boring-ness and is an entertaining, captivating, spoiled monstrosity of a million funny moments in a teeny tiny body. She's a real person now. Stephen sees it too. She isn't our baby anymore. She's our daughter.
But to hear him say I miss my Mom, well, it was the one-two punch I never saw coming. If he would have said it like "Damn I miss my Mom, she would have helped with the baby right now" or "I miss my Mom, I'm trying to make conversation and relate to you" I would have sighed and said "Me too". But he didn't. He said "I miss my Mom" quietly and while pressing his nose into the crook of E's neck. Kinda far off, maybe like he was scared, he finally noticed she was gone. His voice quivered just a tad. I had never ever ever heard him say anything like that before. It made me see him as a son.
Someone's son, missing his mom, holding our daughter, who somewhere someday would also miss us, her mom, her dad, just like him.
And then he took E to her bed. I had to turn away for a sec, lest Stephen see me tearing up and accuse me of some sinister postpartum hormonal shenanigans involving estrogen and dark makeup. It was over as fast as it had happened. I checked my email on my phone and he started rummaging around in the cabinets for chocolate. But it made me think that somehow, something had changed. Something clicked over, the next cog engaged, the world continued. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it has to do with us moving forward, becoming better parents, growing up and into the next stage. Maturing.
I feel also like something has changed in me. I'm ready now to assault the weaknesses in my life; to stop making excuses, dwelling in the past, procrastinating, wasting energy on fear, avoiding life/friends/the sun. The Gramma showed me a site to help with part of this transition. (FlyLady). It has many many good tips on how to reclaim your life at home; clutter and chores and such. I'm starting off with 15 minutes a day per room and habitizing myself to get up and get dressed and presentable in the morning. To develop healthy habits. I'm super stoked. I'm very grateful for the link. Thanks Gramma!
I'm off to bed now. I'm so sad the Gramma is gone, but now we are that much closer to E's first Christmas and the holidays and 2010! I can't wait to see her again. Less than a month! I miss the energizing vibe between the star struck Gramma and her grandbaby. We'd all do a wee bit better if we tasted just a tad bit of that every day.