Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Christmas VaCa



All your holiday box are belong to ME!

First holiday madness with a child?
Survived... Barely.


Muhahahaha....
Enjoy me while you can. suckas! 

The Milk Monster decided to Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde on me on this happy ho-ho holiday. PMS much? At night she would holler and squirm and make general "placate me or I swear to God I will wake this whole damn house up" threats. I feel sorry for Andrew. He could hear her bellowing from his room. During the day, all was well and good. She was all smiling and giggling and farting rainbows and shit. Everyone wanted to smear her all over warm homemade biscuits and eat her up. Rainbow farts and all.


If aliens ever take over Earth, this is how they will do it.
They will come as infants and slowly puree our brains into grey goopy goo.
They will keep us coming back for more with smiles such as this one.
Remember I said that...

I thought I would lose my marbles after the first few days. Only getting your sleep in 2 hour increments makes you sympathize with animals who eat their young. (kidding... sort of.) It would be survival of the fittest least annoying. If you always eat the ones who won't sleep proper, will you eventually breed them out? Has anyone ever looked into this?


 Nom nom....


I questioned whether or not she might need Baby Midol for her irrational, eye-twicth-inducing, melodramatic bullshit. Like maybe I could just chew one up and give her a smidge. Would that be so bad? I mean it cures bloating and headaches and general bitchy-ness, right? Or I often wondered if I could justlify Baby Nyquil. Or Baby Tylenol PM. Do they even make Baby Tylenol PM? Has anyone ever looked into this?



She was so tired she passed out, stiff as roadkill. 
We made fun of her and snapped pics and she didn't even wake up. 
She deserved it.

What caused the psychotic break from schedule for little miss E?
She's a female, who knows....
Maybe,

1. I started giving her tiny bites of table food and therefore her intestinal materials seized up in gridlock and pain, refusing to function. Her delicate she-body was assaulted by rogue foods like (gasp!) pancake and (shriek!) yams.


Ok, maybe pickle too, but SHE LIKED IT!


2. She is eating enough at a time now that my mammary glands can't keep up and she was starving to death. Which would really suck seeing as she still won't take a goshdarn bottle. She can be such a picky little girl. Lord help us all if she continues to be this adamant as a toddler. I often envision future temper tantrums involving hurled sippy cups and "give me banana now or you'll regret you had unprotected sex".


She's bored and ready to go home and suck boob.
Look carefully.
She's flipping us off... 


3. New place, new people, new 1912476 things to stare at and dissect under her watchful, stalker-like gaze. Seriously. The way she completely takes everything in is creepy. Which is truly frightening because a woman never forgets and, well, sometimes Mommy says and does things right now that might not be "appropriate" for childhood memories. Most of them are sauteed in "fucks" and served with a nice side of "Mommy has to lay you down for a sec so she can go scream into a couch pillow now, be right back."


Keep chatting GPaw Jim,
I'm studying your laptop and memorizing your passwords...

4. The Gramma's gramma voice was too stimulating and became a form of speed for E, the likes of which I would like to bottle in pill form and take myself and no, you cannot have some, I need them all. Every. Last. One.





Intervention, plx.


5. The usual - perfectly balanced moon and stars and the planets immababyterrorist and nosleepforyou aligned in the seventh house of the Village of the Damned and voila! Infant who can melt brain matter and willpower with her bare mind. Her mind, people.


Yes, this channel pleases me...
for now....

You may continue to watch your program uninterrupted. 


Or any combination of those. Or some other reason I don't even know about because if I knew then I could remedy it and make her happy and save my sanity. But that won't happen because she is a girl and girls don't want to leave you little Hansel and Gretel crumbs to find your way to what is eating them up. They don't want to explain in a nice round of charades or reveal it one letter at a time in an old-fashioned game of hangman. Nope. They want you to read their frikken minds. This is how women operate. (Ask me how I know.) So, even today, I am still guessing as to what injustice caused all this sleep regressing and ways to atone for it so we can all move on. Any ideas? Baby Nyquil perhaps?





WHOA! Who said anything about playing Beethoven?!?!
I said CHOPIN, woman!
I shall stare incredulously at your hands until you figure it out!


That would be the "highlighted Reader's Digest version." Other things happened too. I learned to finally crochet. Like more than just an infinite single chain. I received some really sweet housewifey swag like A KITCHENAID MIXER, BITCHES! And a pasta maker. And a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond where I basically said "if I want it, it goes in the basket" (thanks Florida Mom!!!). I had way too much champagne. E scored some sweet heirloomy stuff for her room. I was forced to suffer through the unedited version of Apocolypse Now, Redux version (Fuck my life) and District 9 (am I the only one that didn't get that movie?!?) I didn't have to spend my time cooking or scrubbing toilets or chasing Chewie's fur-tumbleweeds. I also got out of a TON of baby-related slavery. Which is, like, the main reason we take the little hay shaker out to see family. Everyone wins.


Ummm... where's the cleaning lady who usually does this job?
AND WHO THE HELL INVITED THE SNOWMAN?!?


************************


 Special delivery from Florida!
Gammy has us spoiled.
R-O-T-T-E-N





E's gorgeous blue eyes come from her daddy's side
Uncle Andrew has the same eyes.



 We love books.
Not as much as booby.
But still, a lot.

 
I don't get it Gramma....
"the children were nestled all snug in their beds"?!?!
Seriously, who writes this crap....

1 comment:

katquilter said...

We sure had a great Christmas.... we enjoyed having you SO MUCH!!

Have I mentioned how fond I am of that baby???