Monday, April 12, 2010

Tooth #2, #3, and maybe #4.

*Okayyyyyy... I started this post Wednesday and I'm just now finishing it and I would totally do a rewrite to make it all now-ish but that would take time and energy that I don't have when I'm working with borrowed energy from 6 cups of coffee and this nap won't last forever so here we go......

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Three days ago was Easter. Or so my calendar says.

I'm not really sure because it fell between the 31st and today and let me tell you, it's all been a blur. And not in a positive way.

On the 31st, E finally cut that 2nd tooth all the way through and Stephen and I, and everyone else in the neighborhood, breathed a sigh of relief. That bugger was destroying our sanity. 

I thought, surely at least one person in our household is gonna be locked up in a rubber room and denied shoelaces. Hopefully it's me. I hear it's relatively quiet in a nut house. Sure, there's moaning and incessant gibberish conversations but all in all it's relatively subdued. With good drugs. Also, there's pudding.

But then it was over. As we headed off into the weekend, I muttered stupidly about "OMFG yay finally some effin sleep" and of course jynked myself proper. After roughly 48 hours, E morphed back into demon-hell-baby.

And I hate to use such a sinister description, but I also want to paint the appropriate picture in your head. Demon-hell-baby is about more than just snarling baby jowls and glowing ember eyes.

There is screaming. Not regular screaming. Nope. Annoying, random, paired-with-body-contortions screaming. There is repetitive slapping: slapping of self and slapping of caretakers and slapping of objects out of hands. The last part really pisses me off. I tend to tire easily of having food offerings and toys and diaper changing supplies swatted out of my hands. 

I'm also not a fan of having my coffee cup popped around, splashing onto everything. Then I smell like spoiled milk and hazelnut all day long and I'm cheated out of that much caffeine. Dislike.

There's also the classic teething signs like gnawing on my boobies and this weird mouth thing E does where she covers her gums with her tongue and lets the tip hang out. She looks really really focused.Or perhaps like she ate one too many lead-based paint chips. I guess the new teeth feel odd to her.

Another sure sign is what I call "bipolar-biting".

Her manic phase is where she chomps down hard on anything she can get her hands on. Her eyes go wide open and she makes a growling noise while her whole body vibrates. You'd think she was having a leg amputated old-school Navy style, sans anesthetic.

It scares me to let her anywhere near my boobs during this phase. It's like she's a zombie and she's staring all glassy eyed at my chest like they contain braaaaiiiiinz....

Then she flips to the other side and can't bite down on anything. She wants to, but it hurts too bad. Objects are warily brought into the mouth. As soon as it touches her gums, she winces and it goes flying. There is screaming and flailing. And conspiracy theorizing.

The toys ARE LAVA! The fudz IS LAVA! The boobs ARE LAVA..... (but still doable). And so we nurse. And nurse....

Sometimes she bites me and I'm not gonna lie, THAT SHIT HURTS. You try to be calm and patient and not sock her eye but it's hard. The first time she did it, I yelped and pulled her away and startled her. She cried and I cried and my boobs cried and Chewie ran to his kennel in fear. Also, there was blood.

She's getting better though. When I feel her start to softly sink her teeth, you know, IN MY FLESH, I just tell her no, quietly, and if she doesn't stop, I de-latch her and we regroup. Which works, most of the time. (Except when something catches her eye and she whips around to look at it with a mouth still full of hooter. Yee-Ouch.)

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And here we are Monday, 12 April.
(Today) (as in, for real today) (if I finish this today...).

Tooth #3 finally cut through somewhere between last Wednesday (which was the original TODAY, when I started this post) and Friday. I don't know which day in particular because I lost a lot of time between those days. It's not real clear in my mind.

(I know! I thought maybe I was abducted by aliens too, but like, my butt wasn't sore so I think we can rule that out. Whew.)

When I checked on Friday, BAM! There is was! Tooth #3! So again, I foolishly said "Super Yay! Back to normal." And again, E started teething.

She spent the weekend morphing back into the demon baby and we are back to frozen teething toys and Baby Anbesol and teething tablets and slapping shit out of everyone's hands.

And the fudz IZ STILL LAVA! ..... (but doable).

Tooth #4 should be here any day. Gird your damn loins.

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Piano lessons are on hold until further notice....

Come closer. I needz to touch. And maybe taste...

The fudz iz lava but I haz to eat. 
To sustainz my cuteness.
*Cue the sad violin muzak and the lone, flickering background candle.*

1 comment:

Lauren said...

I need to get me some of those adorable bow headbands.

4 teetch? Oh you poor family. Though maybe it's better to get them all out of the way... we're still on just the two with no signs of anymore.

We were just saying at dinner tonight how teething is a serious evolutionary FAIL.