Saturday, May 22, 2010

All over my body....

A few squeezies of chocolate syrup to keep E occupied for, oh, 7 minutes so I could FOR THE LOVE OF GOD just unload the dishwasher while the coffee is percolating.

I'm not worthy...
I'm not worthy...

It totally worked because it ended up buying me enough time to unload the dishwasher, make the coffee, reboot the laundry, feed the dog and check FaceBook. 

And maybe, maybe, I had a chance to pee. Alone. With the door closed. 

I'm at a loss for this caption but my first instinct was to laugh uncontrollably. And then I stopped laughing because, ummm, I'm a little scared.

She is obviously happier than a pig in shit but the down side of the whole shenanigan was the CLEAN UP. Chocolate syrup, when warmed and spread all over the body, is a PITA to clean up.

Also: Dear God, please don't let anyone read this post backwards because I'm pretty sure I'd have to explain myself to the authorities... again...

Friday, May 21, 2010

To crawl or not to crawl....

 I'mma start my own blog about my crazy mom.

We still aren't crawling. I'm not too worried. It's early still and what's the rush. People are always asking me "I bet you can't wait for her to crawl!" and the truth is, I CAN. It's a whole new ballgame when she becomes (more) mobile. There will be shelves to plunder and TV's to rock and a brick fireplace to dive into, head first of course. 

Also: delicious Chewie fur tumbleweeds hidden in every nook and cranny. I can only combat them so much. They are smaller and more agile and multiply heartily as they float throughout our house. I pretend to vacuum them up every day.  

 OMG OMG Is that a fur-tasty over there?!?

But we are so close. So very close to crawling.

E can scoot backwards and spin 360 degrees on her butt and also her belly. She can rock on all fours and sometimes launches herself towards her prey (a toy, the dog, a Chewie tumbleweed). She just can't comprehend that her baby paws have to "walk" with her knees. And we can't teach her. If we try, she screams: Don't touch my HAAAAANDZ!

 I do not needz to crawl when my slaves always bringz me my basket of toyz.

All the rocking has progressed into is sitting. If you put E on her belly, she will instantly pop to her hands and knees and push back into a sitting position. She refuses to stay on all fours for any amount of time unless it is on the way to sitting. If you put her on her back, she will roll over to her belly, up on her knees and down on her butt. It's kinda cute, all this newfangled sitting.

Do you remember how we have commemorated our milestones in the past? Hmmmm?

The first word and first wobbly, yet unaided, sitting?

That's right. We learn everything in the middle of the damn night. And then practice it to death by the light of the moon.

So I guess it's no big surprise that E has been waking up in the middle of the dang blasted night and assuming the sit position, only to find out that OMG SHE CAN'T GET DOWN! I'm serious, ya'll. I am being driven to madness because my 9 month old startles the shit out of me, at 1am, with the old "Help, I've sat up and I can't lay back down" trick.

Which was pretty amusing the first night, and then the second night I sort of chuckled to myself, and then the third night I was all CUT THAT SHIT OUT or I swear, by God, I will duct tape wooden spoons to your legs and you will be unable to bend those suckers in any direction. The fourth night I took the roll of duct tape and the wooden spoons and I arranged them, menacingly, on the dresser next to her night light. Just in case. As a reminder. We haven't had any problems after that (cracking knuckles).

 (((she thinks I'm joking)))



Well, leave it to Lizzie to MAKE A LIAR of me. I started this post four days ago and then two days ago, she crawled. Just like that. She had a baby friend over, she wanted to wallop him on the head some more after we separated them and next thing we knew, she was crawling.

It's so funny too because she keeps her bent legs stiff and uses her hands to pull her frozen backside along. She fish-tails all over the place and is so excited. What a precious goofball.

(((Please excuse my maniacal laughing in the video.  I don't get out much.)))

I have a feeling I may be needing that duct tape and those wooden spoons after all.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

OMFG more teeth!

The past few days have been rough around here. We are back to screaming and flailing and popping things out of Mommy's hands. The sleeping schedule has been over-ruled. E has a new tooth (her next upper-left one). It should break through any day now. She seems to be in much greater pain with this one though.

Stephen gave E the binky back and she took right to it like we never took it away in the first place. He said she "looked like she wanted it" and so he gave it to her and then magically, it calmed her down. I told him we can't always give her what she wants just to shut her up and he was all "WHY NOT?! It works! Problem solved." Wow. Man-Logic has triumphed yet again. Truthfully, I was a little relieved because hey, I'm pretty sure I have permission to score some narcotics now. BECAUSE THEY WORK TOO. For me.

It's sad that I am so against the damn binky but I am so grateful for it's ability to soothe the tyrant. Consider my white flag waved. What's next? Skittles for breakfast? Smokin' pot on the back porch? (If she's gonna do it, she's gonna do it with me) ((spoken with a white-trash redneck slur)) Except I could probably get away with the pot part as "medical marijuana". If the fuzz show up, I'll say it's E's.

"She's teething, Officer....."

Course then they would probably arrest ME because I don't have an excuse but I LOOK stoned with my blood shot eyes, lethargic movements and slurry speech.

"I'm not stoned, Officer! I'm FUCKING EXHAUSTED!"

But he won't believe me and then I'm going to go to jail for E's stash. Outsmarted by a nine-month-old again....


Also: Buckets of drool. 

Everything is *damp* and *moist* and the baby-laundry pile is growing faster than all other laundry. Combined.

The bibs do nothing. 
They are useless.


(Filed under "Stephen says the funniest shit")

Stephen: "Who's Willis?"
Me: "What?"
Stephen: "Willis. Who's the Willis that Lizzie is talking to in her picture?"
Me: "WTF are you talking about"
Stephen: "That picture caption says "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" and I just want to know WHO IS WILLIS?"
Me: *blink* *blink* "From Diff'rent Strokes?"
Stephen: "What's Diff'rent Strokes?"
Me: "OMG are you serious? The show? From when we were kids??"
Stephen: *blank stare*

So I googled it and showed him...

Nope, does not ring a bell for him.


And then the next day I hear him playing with E on the floor and he's saying;
"What the fuck, Wilson"

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, WTF Wilson, like on the show."

HAHA! Close enough I guess.


WTF, Wilson.....

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mother's Day, Part Deux

I'm extremely fertile. I watch a porno and I get pregnant. Stephen says that if HE watches a porno, and doesn't wear a condom, I get pregnant. And even then, it's only like 97% effective.

Are you watching a porno right now? STOP!

Hello?! I just said I'm SUPER FERTILE! Jeez....

We planned to get pregnant with E. When Stephen gave the go-ahead, I registered for Fertility Friend, bought a basal thermometer, the whole nine yards. I didn't want to waste any time.

Well, all that was for naught because we got pregnant 11 days later and 11 days after that, I got my BFP (big fudgin' positive). If you're gonna come to the game, you might as well play big and go home a winner. /flex

I'm a baby-making pro so we figured we'd pop out 2 babies in rapid succession and then be done. I wanted to have them both before 30 so we were working on a tight schedule. Chop chop.

And then E was born and WHOA we had a non-sleeper. I'm exhausted. I mean, she sorta sleeps. She takes excellent naps and goes down for night-time beautifully. But she still gets up a few times a night, even at nine months old. We didn't see that one coming.

For the first 8 months of her life, I considered not having more kids. I wondered how I could possibly have another when E was wearing me out. Imagine if the second kid was ALSO a non-sleeper. Recipe for disaster, much? I'd rather shove bamboo shoots up my OWN fingernails.

But then something clicked last month. E is still waking up but I have gotten used to it I guess. I got my groove back. The housework fell into place and I started taking daily showers again (your welcome!). Through FlyLady and the motivation to buck-up-buttercup, life has ceased to be an impossible list of shit-I-have-to-do yet haven't the time for. We are so much happier.

As I watch E blossom into this crazy awesome little person, I feel like everything will be okay. I'm doing okay. Another baby will be okay. (But just one more. DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD?)

I talked to Stephen and surprisingly, he was on board. He wants the kids to be close in age. He wishes he had been closer in age to his brother so they would have gotten along better. I loved my relationship with my brother. We are 11 months apart and still talk all the time. My other younger brother was born only two years after us and it made a difference. We always thought of him as our “baby” brother.

We talked about the cons: two under two sounds like Chinese water torture. Two in diapers. Two needing constant supervision. Trying to get them out of the house by myself? Ugh. It's gonna suck balls. And don't even talk to me about two in college at the same time. Emotional suck and financial suck all around.

But then there are the pros: constant baby-mode and then DONE. Built in playmates. Being able to do things like movies and vacations that everyone can enjoy without holding an older kid back or dragging a useless baby around.

I wasn't charting but I knew my cycle and told Stephen that we were too late for this month, by a mere 2 days or so, so we would get serious the next month. Game faces. War paint and all that jazz. I figured that we could practice, in the meantime, and ordered him to get his ass upstairs and assume the damn position. He threw down his Xbox controller and raced on up there. He's a real good sport when it comes to baby-making and all the practice involved.

Two weeks later, my cycle start was wonky.
EXPECTED: hemorrhage quality.
ACTUAL: barely visible.
I thought, surely, I didn't get pregnant this quick. As in the month BEFORE we start trying. Who does that?!?

So I bought a test. And it was positive.


I had to go out and buy more because it was a clear blue digital and they are known to give much higher than usual false-positives. And the other 2 in the box came up negative. It's either a false- positive or too early to register strongly. The box said “test again in a week”. Like hell.

I drove my pajama-clad butt up to CVS (on Mother's Day, so the lines were crazy long with people buying last second gifts for their moms because nothing says I love you like a 2 for $10 deal sitting in a CVS plastic bag), and bought two more tests. Of a different brand. And I took one.

The goddamned thing was BROKEN, ya'll. It didn't say SHIT. At this point I'm thinking someone is fucking with me and hey, NOT FUNNY GUYS. Thank God I learned to pee-on-command in the Navy and still had some juice left. I took the second one.

(Seriously, ya'll, which one of you HAD to watch the porno?! Hmmm?)

Long story short, Baby #2 is due 16 Jan 2011. Which is less than a month before my 30th birthday. (Boo-yah bitches. Crisis averted.) We are so excited but also a little deer-in-the-headlights because babies are hard, yo. Maybe even harder when they are 17 months apart. I'm just theorizing here.

Congratulations to us!


Also: I'm thinking of registering at Williams and Sonoma this time because we really don't need any more baby shit but, like, Momma could use some swagalicios kitchen gear instead.


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Muther's Day OH-TEN

Mine was wonderful**. Was yours? 

I'd blog about it but I'm deathly tired and I'm calling it a night.

Yes, I have started a post for tomorrow. Yes, I will ATTEMPT to publish it tomorrow.

After that? 

No promises <3


**Mine was actually super duper wonderful and memorable. I got a new necklace for my charms and mucho Baby-Free time. Also: coffee in bed (swooooon).

Shout outs to my mommy friends and my mommy bloggy friends and my mommy family people.

Special shout outs to the Gramma and the Gammy from myself and from Miss Elizabeth (I almost put Mrs. Elizabeth because I have no brain juice left and yes, clearly I need more sleep, hence the shortie post).

Also to my Aunt Vickie who has always been like a mother to me. And let me borrow money in the past. And let me cry into the phone for hours. You're a peach.

One last one to my own mother. We haven't really known each other and we don't really stay in touch but hey, you can't get rid of me. I gotz your DNA. You're stuck with me so stop running away from me. No, seriously, STOP RUNNING. I'm fat and I can't keep up.



Can barely keep my eyes open lately.....

More tomorrow ( I hope :)